


Mad Men

by astrangerenters



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-30
Updated: 2011-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-21 23:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangerenters/pseuds/astrangerenters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nakamaru and Junno work under Nakai and Taichi at an advertising agency. What will happen when they have to pitch a new commercial with the help of upstart Sakurai Sho from Storm Advertising?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad Men

From: Higashiyama Noriyuki (higashiyama-n@easternmountain.co.jp)  
To: Kimura Takuya (kimura-t@easternmountain.co.jp); Nakai Masahiro (nakai-m@easternmountain.co.jp)  
CC: Creative Dept; Account Services  
Subject: Big Win! Happy House Kamaboko

Creative and Account Teams,

I am thrilled to announce Eastern Mountain’s newest win! Thanks to the efforts of Nakai Masahiro and his staff in account services, we will be welcoming Happy House to our portfolio of clients.

Happy House, headquartered here in Tokyo, is a family-run business of over 85 years specializing in fish paste products. From here on, Eastern Mountain will be handling all marketing and advertising services for Happy House. Word has it that Happy House will be expanding their product line very soon - I trust that our newly formed Happy House team will come up with some winning solutions.

Our creative captain will be holding a meeting shortly. Congratulations on the win and let’s all give a warm agency welcome to our newest client!

Best,  
Higashi

Higashiyama Noriyuki, CEO  
Eastern Mountain Advertising Services  
Creativity. Integrity. Dedication. Results.

\--

From: Kimura Takuya (kimura-t@easternmountain.co.jp)  
To: Nakai Masahiro (nakai-m@easternmountain.co.jp); Kokubun Taichi (kokubun-t@easternmountain.co.jp)  
CC: Nakamaru Yuichi (nakamaru-y@easternmountain.co.jp); Taguchi Junnosuke (taguchi-j@easternmountain.co.jp); Sakurai Sho (sho@storm-advert.co.jp)  
Subject: Happy House Team

All,

Fish paste, huh? Well, it’s better than tampons. Just ask Joshima and the Tampax team. Small client, small revenue, so small group this time. Nakai-san was kind enough to win the client - this one’s all yours. Taichi, I want you to take creative lead on this one. Good luck. You’ll probably need it.

Also want to introduce Sakurai Sho, who joins us as a creative consultant from Storm Advertising. We can’t spare too many more from creative to sell some stupid fish food when we’ve got Hitachi and Uniqlo making us run ragged. So we’ve contracted out. Don’t ask me where the money’s coming from. That’s for accounting to worry about.

Anyhow. Trust that you’ll do well.

KT  
Creative Director, Eastern Mountain Advertising Services

\--

Nakamaru had only just finished reading the CEO’s email when Kimura’s came through. Great. He’d gotten pulled off Hitachi for this? For fish paste?

He’d worked his ass off in school, internship after wonderful internship to land a junior account executive position with Eastern Mountain. His dream job! And now his boss had won a new account, and he’d gone from selling computers to fish paste in a matter of hours.

And then Taguchi was knocking on his cubicle wall. “New client!” Junno declared with a big smile. “New products!”

He frowned at his friend. He sometimes wondered how someone who put in sixty hour weeks and rarely slept and skipped meals just the same as him could be so energetic and enthusiastic. “Fish paste, Taguchi. We’re selling fish paste.”

“Well, I like it. It’s part of everyone’s life. At least everyone who eats ramen, I guess.”

Nakamaru clicked the email from Kimura closed. “How are we supposed to sell the stuff though? I mean, do you ever see commercials for it?”

Junno grabbed him by the arm and tugged him out of his chair. “Why are you even in this business? We get to do something new. Think about it. We’ll be fish paste commercial pioneers.”

He allowed Taguchi to drag him past the bank of cubicles toward his boss’ office. Until the email had come through, he’d been Nakai-san’s underling on the Hitachi account, and Taguchi had been Taichi-san’s equivalent on the creative end. They made a good enough team. Nakamaru worked with the clients, shaking hands, praising, doing his best to suss out what they wanted to see in their commercials and print ads. Taguchi was an ideas man, coming up with a way to put the clients’ wants into practice.

In theory, getting to work on a new client was an honor in the agency. It showed that they trusted you enough to start from the ground floor with a client. But fish paste? Was that Kimura’s way of punishing him and Taguchi for something they’d done wrong? The guy did have a strange sense of humor after all.

He could already hear Nakai screeching inside his office when Taguchi knocked. “Get in here, both of you!” came Nakai’s response.

Nakai was pacing in front of the bank of windows along the wall, the blinds drawn just the way they always were when he was in one of his moods. Nakamaru had just gotten used to his boss’ way of blocking out sunlight and Tokyo smog, relying instead on the fluorescent lighting.

Taichi was sitting in the chair in front of Nakai’s desk, bopping his head against the wood overdramatically again and again. “Fish. Paste. Fish. Paste. Fish. Paste. Freaking. Fish. Freaking. Paste.”

Junno opened his mouth, probably to declare how excited he was to work on the new account, so Nakamaru stepped down hard on his foot. Now was definitely a bad time. Taguchi frowned, limping over to the rickety old couch in the corner of the office, Nakai’s “thinking couch” that he’d had since he first joined the agency.

Nakamaru joined him, nervously tapping his pen against his notepad. Hitachi was a huge account, one of the most prestigious. Getting bumped down to Happy House had to be hitting Nakai and Taichi harder. They’d been working for Eastern Mountain before Nakamaru had even gone to high school. It was a slap in the face for all the years they’d put in.

But fish paste apparently wasn’t the most horrifying thing. “Who the hell is this Sakurai?” Nakai growled. “We don’t need him.”

“Don’t have money to bring over anyone else from the creative team, my ass,” Taichi complained. When he lifted his head from the desk, Nakamaru choked down a laugh at the bright red splotch on the man’s forehead. “What did you do to Kimura?”

“I won the account, that’s what I did. I just had to go out and try to win new business. I just had to do my damn job,” Nakai said, brushing dust off of his many advertising awards. When Nakamaru had first started at the agency, Nakai had made him do all the dusting in his office. He’d finally moved up enough that it was the cleaning lady’s responsibility now, even though his boss usually couldn’t remember his name.

“You know, I Googled this Storm Advertising,” Taichi said, crossing his arms. “Little upstart hole in the wall company in Shibuya, but they won MOS Burger last month. Can you believe that?”

“MOS Burger?” Nakai cried. “They wouldn’t even let us pitch to them!”

“I guess our new little consultant friend went to Keio.”

Nakai fumed. “So not only are we working on fish paste, but we’ve got some cheeky smart-ass know it all kid coming in to tell us how to do our jobs?”

There was a knock at the door.

“I looked at their website though. They’re winning awards left and right,” Taichi explained, ignoring the door. “They’re all young and do that Twatter stuff I bet.”

“Um, Twitter,” Junno mumbled, but Taichi and Nakai went on complaining about the so-called “creative consultant” from Storm Advertising.

After another, sharper knock on the door, Nakamaru turned to see a rather clean-cut man in a suit waiting to be let in. He stood in sharp contrast to the jeans and polos the rest of them were wearing. Nakai, the agency’s head of accounts, was having a sandals and beanie day.

“I’ll get it,” Nakamaru ventured, getting to his feet and opening the door.

He was greeted by a bright smile and a mouth full of large teeth. He stood aside and let the man and his expensive-looking leather briefcase enter. Nakai stopped pacing, and Taichi turned, scratching his head.

When they didn’t bother to greet the man, he spoke himself. “Hello, my name is Sakurai Sho. I’m from Storm Advertising, and I’m here to help with the Happy House account?”

Nakai blew his nose.

Sakurai just kept smiling, opening his briefcase and getting out a business card holder. He left two sitting on Nakai’s desk and personally handed them to Taguchi and Nakamaru. It was a damn impressive card on thick paper with a glittery storm cloud shaped almost like a brain in the center. Nakamaru hadn’t gotten new business cards since he’d started, and the kanji for his name read ‘Nakamura’ anyhow.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Taguchi said, seeing that their bosses weren’t going to be doing much in the way of welcoming the outsider. “I’m Taguchi, copy writer and resident genius. This here’s Nakamaru. He gets people coffee.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but it wasn’t all that untrue. With Nakai as his rather controlling, chatty boss, Nakamaru rarely got to spend a lot of one-to-one face time with their clients. “Look forward to working together.”

Sakurai was still smiling, but his eyes were starting to panic with the death glares he was getting from the older side of the room. “I...I spoke with Director Kimura. He said I’d be able to work in a cubicle by you, Taguchi-san?”

“Sure, no problem,” Taguchi said. He turned to Taichi. “I’ll show the new guy around.”

“We meet Sakamoto at 2:00 for brainstorming. Don’t forget to order in some bagels,” Nakai barked, and the three of them made a swift exit.

Sakurai clutched his briefcase, turning a bit red. “You have a pretty lax dress code here.”

Taguchi slung his arm around Sakurai’s shoulders and led him back through the cubicles. “We like to be comfortable.”

“But aren’t we meeting a client this afternoon?” Sakurai asked. Nakamaru trailed behind. Eastern Mountain was going to be a real culture shock for someone who wore a suit that probably cost more than what Nakamaru made in a month.

The spare cubicle between Taguchi and the water cooler became Sakurai’s new space, and Junno helped the newbie get settled in. Nakamaru placed the afternoon bagel order, but he wasn’t looking forward to the meeting itself. He’d been in a few of the pitch meetings with Happy House, and the company president was kind of scary. Now they were going to be making commercials for him. Scarier.

He worked on a few Hitachi wrap up things to pass on to the rest of that team, and afternoon came quickly. He, Junno, and Sakurai headed up to one of the meeting rooms where Nakai was already schmoozing with the Happy House team.

Sakamoto Masayuki was extremely serious about fish paste, and he’d brought along his rather quiet marketing director Okada. Nakamaru hung back as he usually did when Nakai was chatting up a client, but Sakurai stepped right forward before Taguchi could snatch hold of his arm.

“Sakamoto-san, let me introduce myself,” Sakurai said, showing none of the hesitation he’d had when they’d led him to his cube earlier. “I’m Sakurai Sho from Storm Advertising, and Eastern Mountain has brought me in to help manage your account. I look forward to working with you.”

Nakai was twitching and Taichi was twitching, and Sakamoto was a little shocked. Introducing himself instead of letting his team leader do so was a big Eastern Mountain no-no. Chain of command was ridiculously important.

“My god, is Sakamoto going to turn Sho-kun into fish paste?” Junno whispered, nudging him.

Sakamoto accepted Sakurai’s offered business card and actually smiled. The guy was even scarier when he smiled. “Nice to work with you, too. I’ve heard great things about Storm Advertising.” He looked over, and he and Junno both stopped slouching quickly. “It’s great to have such a young, forward thinking team working for Happy House. Shall we?”

They entered the conference room, and Nakamaru’s jaw dropped slightly at the ugly looking plastic bottles settled at each place. Okada snuck around the table and gestured to one of the bright neon pink bottles.

“Um, Happy House is looking to expand into nutraceuticals so...”

But before Okada could continue, Sakamoto and his dangerous smile were back, standing at the head of the table. “We made an energy drink! You think, Happy House. They make fish paste right? Wrong! We don’t just make fish paste. We make drinks for your health now.” He clapped Taichi on the shoulder. “Allow me to introduce Happy House F+ Energy Pow, our newest product.”

Okada cleared his throat and slid one of the bottles over to Taichi. “This will be your first project. Sakamoto-san would like you to make a commercial as soon as possible.”

Nakai handled one of the bottles as though it might explode, examining it closely. “Energy drinks? I thought we were promoting...”

“We’re ten years into a brand new millennium, Nakai-san,” Sakamoto continued. “My company has to be just as forward thinking as everyone else. I designed the bottles myself. Aren’t they eye catching?”

“They’re horrible,” Junno whispered, and Nakamaru elbowed him.

“Quite eye catching,” Taichi said calmly, uncapping the bottle and giving it a sniff. “Whoa.”

Sakamoto beamed. “So many nutrients! Think of how many people can drink it! Families, couples, kids, seniors, salarymen. Everyone wants to live a healthier life! F+ Energy Pow will help them do that!”

Nakamaru twisted off the top and gave it a sniff. It was the absolute worst thing he’d ever smelled in his life. He tried not to gag, replacing the cap and shoving it into Junno’s hand. “Sakamoto-san?” he asked quietly. “I...I was wondering what F+ means in the name of the drink?”

“Ah, a fair question!” he replied, thumping the conference table. “Fish.”

“Fish,” Nakai spluttered. “Like...fish?”

Okada handed each of them a folder while Sakamoto smiled at his bright pink bottle like a proud parent. The marketing director didn’t seem as enthusiastic. “An overview of the ingredients. Most of the uh, fish nutrients, are from the same fish we use for our kamaboko.”

“And you drink this?” Taguchi asked, tears in his eyes as he hurriedly put the top back on his sample bottle. Sakamoto looked ready to tear him limb from limb, so he quickly corrected himself. “I mean, it’s like any other energy drink, then? That’s the approach you’d like for your promotions?”

“Yes,” Sakamoto said, stroking the F+ Energy Pow affectionately while Okada helped himself to a bagel. Nakamaru wasn’t feeling too hungry after smelling the Energy Pow.

Sakurai had been silent for a while, and Nakamaru soon realized why. A sizeable amount of F+ Energy Pow had disappeared from Sakurai’s sample bottle. The guy had actually tried it? A rather rough first day for the consultant, Nakamaru thought. A rude welcome that morning and now if the drink tasted even a fraction as disgusting as it smelled...

“Sakurai-kun,” Taichi called, eyes widening. “Are you alright?”

He was definitely not alright. His hand clutching the bottle was shaking violently, drops of Energy Pow leaking out onto his hand and the conference room carpet. The veins in his neck were pulsing as though he was having some kind of episode. His eyes were bulging, and sweat was beading his brow. And just when Nakamaru thought the newbie was going to pass out right there and then, he just swallowed and twisted the cap back on the bottle.

“I look forward to coming up with a strategy that will work for Happy House,” Sakurai said as cheerfully as he could muster, considering he looked ready to die any second.

“See that you do,” Sakamoto said, twisting the top off of his own and chugging down half the bottle. Okada munched on his bagel while the Eastern Mountain employees held their breath. But a man who lived and breathed fish paste like Sakamoto just smacked his lips, went “ahhhh” and put the top back on. “I can’t wait to see what you come up with.”

Nakamaru kept an eye on Sakurai, who’d had to sit down, while Junno started scribbling on a notepad. “Anything in particular? Any target you want to shoot for? Any message?” Taguchi asked.

“Health!” Sakamoto called like a cheerleader. “Good times! Feeling good! Delicious!”

“Delicious is a target?” Taguchi mumbled, writing it down anyway while Sakurai focused on breathing.

“You want families drinking this? Kids? Teenagers?” Taichi asked.

“I want everyone in Japan drinking this,” Sakamoto declared. “I am sure you’ll find a good way to hit every demographic with an ad.”

No, Nakamaru thought, that would be impossible. They’d have to post epilepsy warnings for the pinkness of the bottle, and they’d have to replace the actual drink with water for the actors in the commercial just so they wouldn’t make the same faces that Sakurai was making as he shrunk down in the conference chair.

It was a tall order, and Nakamaru was already missing the Hitachi account. It was a lot easier to sell someone a DVD player or an air conditioner than an energy drink made with fish.

“We’ll have a commercial pitch for you by this time next week,” Nakai said, using his fakest of fake smiles to try and reassure Sakamoto, who hadn’t bothered to notice how ill Sakurai was looking.

Nakai and Taichi escorted Sakamoto and Okada from the room, and as soon as the door closed, Sakurai bolted from his chair and started to barf into the garbage can next to the counter with the bagels. Yep, Nakamaru definitely didn’t want one now.

Taguchi tiptoed up to Sakurai, patting him gently on the back while he coughed up F+ Energy Pow into the can. “Is it really that bad? I mean, it smells awful...”

Sakurai lifted his head, accepting the handkerchief Junno offered him. “It’s like...” the man said warily, “it’s like natto cupcakes.”

Nakamaru swallowed down some bile at the thought of it. “How the hell are we going to market something like that?”

Even Taguchi looked less than excited about the prospect. “And it’s not like, ‘hey kids, come drink this.’ Or ‘ladies, your boobs will grow twice as big if you drink some F+ Energy Pow.’ I mean, he wants everyone in Japan to drink it?”

Nakamaru prodded the bottle with the edge of his memo pad, worrying that the smell might get on him or that the bright pink coloring might seep into his skin if he actually touched it again. “Talk about impossible.”

Sakurai stood up shakily, wiping some of the sweat from his forehead. “Don’t worry. I know exactly what to do.”

“You do?” Nakamaru sputtered. He sure as hell didn’t know what direction to go, and neither did Taguchi. “How? What?”

Sakurai just shook his head. “I don’t have it fully formed yet, and I get the impression that whatever I suggest will get vetoed by Nakai-san and Taichi-san.”

“Probably,” Junno said bluntly. “They don’t like anything I come up with.”

Nakamaru didn’t want to tell Taguchi that word play was low-brow - you couldn’t sell diamond rings by telling people they “rock,” not in this day and age. But it didn’t matter - even if he and Junno had a great way to pitch F+ Energy Pow, they weren’t the leads on the project. He decided to tell Sakurai as much.

“Whatever they say goes. They’re a little old-fashioned. They tend to veto anything that has social media tie-ins,” he explained. “Nakai still doesn’t know what Mixi and Facebook are.”

Sakurai’s eyes widened. “No wonder you guys didn’t get to pitch to MOS Burger.” He gasped. “I mean, no offense, but really?”

Taguchi nodded. “We’re just used to them telling us no. But it’s a good learning experience, right? I mean, at least it shows us what not to do if we get an account on our own at some point.”

Sakurai didn’t seem all that convinced. “Well, they won’t know I have an idea if I don’t tell them, right? And you won’t say anything if I come up with a pitch?”

Nakamaru didn’t like this. He very much didn’t like the idea of Sakurai, Mr. Brand New Contract Guy, coming up with a counter proposal for Happy House behind Nakai and Taichi’s back. They disliked Sakurai on general principle already, and the guy had only started that day.

But the Energy Pow stuff was going to be an insanely hard sell. He kind of doubted that Nakai and Taichi were going to come up with anything that was going to wow Sakamoto...or convince the Japanese public that a fish flavored energy drink was something worth buying. He and Taguchi exchanged a glance that seemed to convey all these ideas, and he nodded.

“Alright,” Nakamaru said. “We won’t say anything. But you’ll have to do this on your own time.”

Sakurai smiled. “Thanks, you guys. Don’t worry, I’m used to working under crazy deadlines. Oh.” He looked down and frowned at the garbage can beside him. “I think we better call the cleaning staff.”

\--

taguchi-j: ok hows this  
taguchi-j: “hey mom, can i have a snack?”  
taguchi-j: “sure son, are u thirsty?”  
taguchi-j: “u bet, mom! it’s like a desert in my mouth!”  
taguchi-j: “a desert, huh? well how about an ocean’s worth of vitamins and nutrients?”  
taguchi-j: then the mom gives son an energy pow and he rides off on his skateboard  
taguchi-j: nakamaru-kun? u there?  
taguchi-j: hello??  
nakamaru-y: That’s terrible.  
taguchi-j: oh  
nakamaru-y: He rides off on his skateboard?  
taguchi-j: rollerblades?  
nakamaru-y: I’m busy.

\--

Junno’s instant messages had been pinging his computer screen all morning, which was pretty annoying considering that his cubicle was right next to him. Sakamoto wanted everyone in Japan to drink his nasty energy beverage, and so Nakai and Taichi had decided that a commercial aimed at families would be a good idea. Get parents and kids with one promotional campaign.

The problem was that families didn’t really do the energy drink thing. Nakamaru was pretty damn sure - he’d been reading through statistics and market data for the past two days. It was college kids and people working crazy hours like he did. Hell, if there was a market for F+ Energy Pow, it was people in the ad industry.

Too bad that F+ Energy Pow tasted like peanut butter and death.

But he had to have stats to back up the commercial pitch, so he was making a very detailed spreadsheet about fathers who worked long hours and families who had teenagers, trying to make the pitiful amount of data work. It was ridiculously boring compared to Taguchi’s job. He got to come up with the script and tagline.

And on Taguchi’s other side, Sakurai was doing the work of two, probably eight people. Nakamaru had come in at 7:30 that morning to start going through a pile of beverage surveys, and Sakurai was already there - two laptops plugged in and running along with the desktop computer that Eastern Mountain had provided him.

Whatever his pitch was, he was doing it on one of the laptops and having a lot of phone calls back and forth with someone named Nino. Since Sakurai was keeping his separate pitch away from prying eyes, all Taguchi had figured out was that “Nino” was Sakurai’s “CGI guy.”

CGI? Just for a CM pitch? So that’s what Keio connections and landing MOS Burger got you. Instead, Taguchi was trying to come up with things to rhyme with Energy Pow and Nakamaru was making nonexistent data into something he could show Nakai by end of workday. Then he could start jotting down some storyboard ideas so Ohno down in the art department could get them drawn up.

And even with his own ideas, Sakurai was Nakai and Taichi’s whipping boy. They had him fact checking and doing searches on ingredients, and cruelly enough, they’d asked Sakurai to “take one for the team” and try drinking an entire bottle of Energy Pow to get more ideas on how they could describe the flavor. The guy had done it too. That only made Nakai and Taichi loathe him more.

The little message box popped up on his screen again, and he was just about to tell Taguchi off when he realized it was from someone else. Someone he really didn’t want to have to deal with.

nakai-m: office now

No phone call. No “Nakamaru-kun, do you have a minute?” Hell, even “Nakamura-kun, come here” would have at least made him feel like he was a valued member of the team. He sighed and saved his spreadsheet, grabbing his memo pad and heading for Nakai’s office.

Taichi was already lying on the thinking couch. “The hell is Taguchi doing?”

“Skateboarding. The kid’s skateboarding now, I think, and Mom gives him the drink as he heads out the door,” Nakamaru explained. Even if Junno had written a lengthy email, their supervisors never read them. They were too busy “brainstorming” while the actual work was being done by their juniors.

“That’s awful,” Nakai complained. “That’s just awful. That’s only two family members. Scratch it. We’re cutting the mom giving the kid the drink entirely. We go around the dining table after breakfast. Day’s starting off, everyone needs a boost. Dad says, ‘hey, why don’t we all pitch in and clean the house?’”

“Yeah, good, good. Everyone working together, everyone needs an energy drink. So we say, ‘Happy House F+ Energy Pow. Everything you need to get moving and great taste...’” Taichi tossed a pillow up in the air, catching it and repeating the motion. “What did Keio Boy say it tasted like again?”

“Cherry flavored baby vomit,” Nakamaru said.

Nakai nodded. “So we maybe leave out the mention of the taste. Focus on the energy it gives you.”

“Sakurai experienced a blood sugar crash shortly after finishing the drink,” Nakamaru reminded them. And yet, he’d gone right back to his laptops and asked Nino the CGI Guy to “make the swimming look cooler,” whatever the hell that meant.

Nakai shook his head. “I’d rather be selling the fish paste. Seriously. I think Sakamoto might have had a few too many Energy Pows. He’s insane.”

Taichi agreed. “Yeah, but he’s paying us to come up with something. Tell Taguchi we’re going to the family angle. Dinner table, breakfast table, energy. Everyone wants energy.”

Yeah, like that was really going to make any sense to Junno. What the hell were Taichi and Nakai even doing in here other than complaining and whining? “And what about Sakurai-san?”

Nakai’s eyes narrowed. “You’re sure he’s not up to something?”

Nakamaru tried to keep a straight face. “I...maybe he has other projects from Storm? I mean, he’s only on as a consultant, so they probably have him doing other work?”

The pillow hit him in the head. “And you’d tell us if he’s planning sabotage, wouldn’t you?” Taichi demanded.

He looked at Nakai’s array of awards statues, wondering which one his boss would use to bludgeon him to death with first if he found out about Sakurai’s counterproposal. “Of course I would, sir.”

Why did they hate Sakurai so much anyhow? They weren’t doing anything! Maybe it had taken the consultant’s arrival and amazing work ethic to remind Nakamaru just how little ever got done around here unless he or Junno were busting their asses to make Nakai and Taichi look good.

Nakai rolled his eyes. “Get out of here, Namakuru. I’m not paying you to gape at me if you have nothing to say.”

Nakai was the one who’d called him in!

“It’s Nakamaru,” he said under his breath as he closed the door behind him and stalked back to his cramped little cubicle and the stacks of work to still get done. He grabbed the back of Junno’s chair and pulled him along, wheeling him over to Sakurai’s cubicle.

“Hey, what did they want?” Taguchi cried, clinging to the arms of the chair as Nakamaru pushed him.

Nakamaru briefly saw a fish or a shark or something before Sakurai slammed the laptop closed. “Nakamaru-kun! Taguchi-kun!” he cried, knocking over a stack of reports on energy drinks that Nakai had made him photocopy just to keep him from getting any real work done.

“Sakurai-san,” he said, crossing his arms. “Whatever you need me and Junno to do to help you, just ask.”

\--

“You know, I tried one of those things,” Tsuyoshi said as he tuned his guitar. “Just to get the vibe that says, ‘hey, I’m an F+ Energy Pow. Drink me, get some energy.’”

Nakamaru and Junno sat beside him in the studio, cringing at the thought of someone else subjecting himself to the nasty drink. “And did it help you come up with a jingle?” Taguchi asked.

“God no,” Tsuyoshi said, making a horrified face. “It tasted like an old man’s mouth.”

Taguchi snorted, and Nakamaru elbowed him. They had to make good with Domoto down here in music production. They had to get a jingle made for the family pitch for Nakai and Taichi and if they could manage it, Sakurai needed a short musical cue for his own project.

“We’re trying to target families, get everyone’s tension up, get them into a spring cleaning mindset,” Nakamaru explained. “Some fast forwarding thing with the family running around the house.”

“I feel that, I feel that,” Domoto nodded, strumming his guitar. “You’re lying to the Japanese people, I feel that.”

“We’re not lying!” Junno protested. He paused. “Well...I mean, we’re just saying it’ll give you energy. I mean, if that energy sends you running for the toilet, that’s not our fault, it’s the product’s, right?”

“Some integrity, man,” Domoto complained. “Take some pride in the work you’re doing.”

“Tsuyoshi, you write jingles for tampon commercials,” Nakamaru reminded him.

Domoto pointed his guitar pick in Nakamaru’s direction. “They’re super absorbent, and they help a lot of ladies out. Don’t knock it.”

“So um,” Junno started, and they thought of what Sakurai had asked them to help with. “So there’s something else we’re cooking up. For...”

“For a case study. Uniqlo,” Nakamaru continued. “We just need a short piece that’ll transition between the ocean and a stadium.”

“For Uniqlo?” Tsuyoshi asked, cocking an eyebrow as he scribbled a few more notes down on his sheet music.

“Yep,” Junno said. “A side project, nothing too important. But we know you’re quick and smart about these things. Just a few measures that’ll make you want to buy an energy...an energetic piece of clothing. From Uniqlo.”

Nakamaru was ready to facepalm at Junno’s lack of subtlety, but Tsuyoshi was nodding. “That sounds cool. Sure, I don’t mind. I can just whip up an mp3 tonight and send it. How’s that? You want that separate from the Happy House jingle?”

“If you could,” Nakamaru said. “Thanks.”

“Happy House,” Domoto sang, strumming reverently. “It tastes like a gym bag. But it gives you energy...”

As soon as they left, he and Junno exchanged high fives. Everything was going great!

\--

“Everything is going horribly!” Nakai yelled, throwing a cd jewel case down on his desk.

Junno flinched, hiding behind Nakamaru. Taguchi rarely took the fact that he was taller into account in those sort of situations. “What do you mean, sir?” Nakamaru choked out.

“What’s this song Domoto’s cc’ing me on? This isn’t what I asked for!” Nakai complained. “This is an instrumental!”

Taguchi poked his face out from behind Nakamaru’s head, fingers digging into his shoulders in his nervousness. “Maybe...it’s an alternate version to play when we’re showing storyboards? He did send us another song with lyrics if we need it.”

Taichi sighed. “Musicians. Give me three minutes and a piano, and I could do that guy’s job too. Do we have to do all the work around here?”

Sakurai shifted from foot to foot, and Nakamaru could see the guy was itching to confess about his secret commercial idea, just to keep them all from getting in trouble. Domoto had sent everything to Nakai too, even after they’d asked him not to. There was always a ridiculous lack of communication in this company.

“Well, we’ll contract out for the next job,” Nakai said, picking up the cd case just so he could throw it down again. “Get some damn quality control. You want something done right I guess...you three gonna stand there all day? We’re pitching to Sakamoto tomorrow!”

Thank god Sakurai had managed to yank the mp3 before they’d all been called down to Nakai’s office. “I want my storyboards yesterday!” Taichi cried as the three of them hurried back out.

Sakurai was flustered. “Guys, I am so sorry. I didn’t know this was going to get you in trouble.”

Nakamaru just wanted to see the finished product. All he knew was that there was a shark and a baseball player involved, but Sakurai had kept the details secret. Probably so he and Junno wouldn’t lose their jobs when Sakamoto came visiting tomorrow.

“Don’t worry about it,” Taguchi said, patting Sakurai’s shoulder. “This family thing is awful. Sakamoto’s going to throw a chair unless you say you have another idea. Sure, Taichi will be the one throwing a chair later, but better him than a client.” Junno rubbed the back of his head. “Chairs hurt, for the record.”

“It’s true,” Nakamaru said. “Taichi doesn’t look like a chair thrower, right?”

Sakurai adjusted his tie. “Uh, I guess not. Well. Big day tomorrow. I have to get some stuff finalized. Thanks again for all you’ve done. I appreciate it.”

Nakamaru was pretty damn sure he’d never heard the words “I appreciate it” ever directed at him in the years he’d worked at Eastern Mountain, and he had to pinch himself. “Uh...of course. No problem.”

The three of them parted, Sakurai ready to spend another evening in the office. Nakamaru really hoped that Sakurai’s idea would win Happy House over. Taichi and Nakai needed a reality check, and they needed it now.

\--

Sho was panicking when Nakamaru came in the following morning, tugging on his sleeve. “Big problem! Big, big problem! I think they know!” Sakurai squealed, eyes wide and panicky.

“Slow down,” he said. “What do you mean they know?”

“We’re presenting in the conference room on 25 right? Then how come there was a work order put in last night that the projector was defective? And it’ll take three days to be replaced!” Sakurai moaned. “I need the projector! Nakai-san doesn’t. It’s just storyboards!”

Nakamaru decided to join him in panic mode, and that’s when Taguchi came in with coffee for all of them. “Goooooood morning!” he managed to say before Nakamaru clamped a hand over his mouth.

“IT, Taguchi. Who do you know in IT?” Taguchi blinked, trying to talk around Nakamaru’s hand. “Okay okay, gross, you don’t have to lick me. Are you four years old?”

Sakurai quickly explained the projector problem. Sabotage, plain and simple. There was no reason to get the projector replaced - they were the only team scheduled to present on 25 that day.

Taguchi thought hard, and finally Nakamaru just grabbed a coffee away from him before he started freaking out right there and then. God, they’d all lose their jobs. They’d pitch to Sakamoto and when they came out, there’d be a box on his desk and he’d have to leave...oh god oh god oh god and rent was due next week and...

“I know!” Junno said, shoving the rest of the coffee at Sakurai, who cried out and nearly dropped them. He picked up his phone. “Sho-kun, I got your back. I know everyone who works here.”

“He doesn’t,” Nakamaru assured Sho, “but your pitch is better than theirs just because it’s not storyboards and a stupid jingle. I believe that much. We’ll fix this.”

\--

Twenty minutes later, they were up on 25, and Yamashita from IT was standing on top of the conference table, looking at the projector.

“You know, I got my hands on one of those Energy Pow things,” Yamashita was saying as he started pressing buttons. “I guess with the new account they’re trying to make sure everyone in the agency gets free samples.”

“And what did you think of it?” Sho asked him.

Yamashita aimed the remote at the projector and on it came, perfect as if it had just come from the factory. “You know, it tasted kind of like a futon after a bunch of sweaty fat people had sex on it.”

He hopped down from the table and set the remote in Taguchi’s hand.

“You guys are all set!”

\--

Nakai was all smiles as he escorted Sakamoto and Okada to the elevator. Taichi was at his heels holding the portfolio full of storyboards. Ohno’s artwork was really quite impressive - too bad it wasn’t that compelling an idea.

Sakurai had his laptop with him. There was no point being secretive if Nakai and Taichi were already on to him. “We made sure everyone in the agency here got a free bottle of F+,” Sakamoto was bragging. He’d even worn a tie as hideously pink as the energy drink bottles in his excitement for the commercial pitch.

“And they were appreciated,” Nakai said, faker than an AV actress’s breasts. “Happy House’s generosity makes you a pleasure to work for.”

Okada looked away, probably to keep from laughing. Nakamaru hit the button for 25, and off they went. He, Junno and Sho stayed at one end of the conference table while Nakai set up the storyboards, and Taichi got ready to make up some b.s. speech off the top of his head to try and wow Sakamoto.

All the research, all the actual work - he really wasn’t sure Nakai or Taichi would even acknowledge them. And it didn’t matter. He saw Nakai spot the green light on the projector as he was setting up, and he couldn’t say anything. Sakurai just tapped his laptop cover with an appreciative little bump.

Taichi got going, explaining how the family would be seated around their dining room table eating ramen. Naturally the camera would zoom out from the Happy House pink and white kamaboko swirl in their bowls to show the mother, father and children. The next bit of Ohno’s artwork showed the bright pink bottle. The family then got energy, and Nakai played the CD with Tsuyoshi’s jingle.

“Happy House,” came Tsuyoshi’s voice. “A pow-pow-powerful boost for your family! All-natural, all-nutritious, all-energy!”

The storyboards flipped as Taichi explained how the family would start a cleaning frenzy.

The last storyboard was the bottle alone on top of a mountain. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” Taichi said, “Rising above all other energy drinks.”

Junno blushed a little bit. It was the only bit of copy he’d written that had actually made it into the pitch.

But then there was silence. Okada was scribbling notes wildly, but Sakamoto was leaning back in his chair stroking his chin. Nakamaru knew they’d lost him, and Sakurai was already sitting up more in his chair, waiting for his window of opportunity.

“So Energy Pow gets the family to...clean the house?” Sakamoto said first.

Taichi smiled. “Yes. Everyone’s participating, see?” He had Nakai flip back through the storyboards. “Here’s Mom, and then Dad. Look, even Grandpa’s getting involved.”

“Your storyboards are nice,” Sakamoto said, “but there’s no soul. I don’t believe those drawings are people.”

“Um, well, they are. They will be,” Nakai reminded him. “We haven’t filmed it yet obviously so...”

“Can you act it out? I mean, the family? Can you do that bit?” Sakamoto wondered. And that’s when Nakamaru felt Nakai’s eyes on him like a well-trained laser.

“Of course, Taguchi, Nukamara, go.”

He and Junno exchanged panicked glances before hurrying out of their chairs to stand at the front of the room. Sakamoto looked like he was going to rip the storyboards apart, so this didn’t bode well in case he and Taguchi royally screwed this up.

“Should I be the father?” Nakamaru asked. “He gets up first.”

“But you look more like grandpa.”

He wanted to kick Junno, but that wouldn’t do them any favors. Since all eyes were off him for the time being, Sakurai opened up his laptop slowly, fingers inching across the conference table to grab the remote for the projector.

“Hey everyone!” Junno cried out noisily, sounding more like some drunk guy at karaoke than the commanding father. “This Energy Pow sure has me going! Let’s clean the house!”

Nakamaru cleared his throat. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”

Sakamoto thumped his fist on the table. “Not Grandpa enough!”

Nakamaru slowed down his delivery. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”

“You’re 85 and my drink’s got you going nuts!” Sakamoto screamed.

He bent over, holding his hip. “Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need...” He stood back up and smiled like he was in a school play. “To feel young again!”

Taguchi then dropped to his knees to play the little girl. “I just love Energy Pow!”

Sakamoto had had it, kicking back the leather seat until it toppled. Okada was still taking notes on whatever it was he was taking notes about. “What the hell is this? Is this really how you’re going to promote my nutraceutical beverage?”

“Well, sir, to be fair, there will be real actors in the commercial...” Taichi interrupted.

“A family cleaning their house? That’s the extent of their energy?” Sakamoto shouted.

“Well...” Nakai stuttered, “I mean, they could clean the car together? Taguchi, pretend you’re using a squeegee on the windshield...”

But before Junno could get into character, Sakamoto got to his feet. “Enough! I don’t need Grandpa busting a move or Junior squeegeeing the car! What does that have to do with what I asked? I want everyone in Japan to buy my drink! Can you tell me honestly, Nakai-san, that a commercial like this would send you running to the store? Kokubun-san?”

Taichi was turning purple, loosening his tie. “Well, we’re in advertising, so there’s not much that sends us running...”

“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai interrupted.

“You wouldn’t buy this drink!” Sakamoto screeched. “So why would anyone else?!”

“Sakamoto-san,” Sakurai tried again, standing his ground even as the Happy House CEO turned to him with the masculine equivalent of a Medusa stare. Nakamaru was pretty sure he’d have wet himself if he’d gotten that look. Then again, if Sakurai was wetting himself, it wasn’t showing up on his pants yet.

“You. Storm boy. You tried the drink last time.”

“I did, sir,” Sakurai said, holding up the remote to turn the projector screen on. “And if I may, there was an alternate idea for your commercial.”

“I knew it,” Nakai grumbled, taking the storyboards down.

“An alternate idea,” Sakurai continued, “that attempts to ah, well, if I could, sir?”

Sakamoto sat down slowly, and Okada slid a bottle of some over-the-counter heart medication as discreetly as he could to his boss’ hand. “Okay kid, nobody better be cleaning the house in this one.”

“No, sir,” Sakurai said, moving to the front of the room. Taichi was shaking, and Taguchi had to pull him aside so that Sho could present. Nakamaru held his breath, hoping that this was going to be extraordinary enough to both please Sakamoto and keep Nakai and Taichi from pushing Sho out the window.

Sakurai continued, looking far more relaxed when he was speaking directly to Sakamoto. “Happy House F+ Energy Pow. The Japanese people respect the sea. If I may, the prototype for Sea Energy, See Energy.”

The next slide had a movie file embedded, and Sho nodded for Nakamaru to go ahead and click play on his laptop. Nakai watched him bitterly as he did so, but Nakamaru was just as excited to see it as Sakamoto. The production quality was amazing, especially for a simple pitch.

The camera view plunged down into the ocean, past various types of fish before locating a shark. The shark then dove to discover bottles of F+ Energy Pow resting at the bottom of the sea. The CGI shark then whipped his tail fin, dislodging one of the Energy Pows and sending it rocketing up and out of the water, and Sakamoto let out a gasp of awe.

The bottle came flying across Japan to the sound of the little jingle Tsuyoshi had written before bursting through the roof of a CGI Tokyo Dome and into an outstretched hand. The camera pulled back to reveal a player for the Giants who took a big sip of Energy Pow. There was a cut and the baseball player swung a bat, hitting a home run.

“Happy House F+ Energy Pow,” came Sakurai’s voice through the laptop speakers. “Sea Energy, See Energy.”

It was elaborate. It would be ridiculously expensive. And already Nakai and Taichi looked close to giggles. But Sakurai just bowed, waiting for Sakamoto to pass judgment. Nakamaru looked up from the laptop to see the CEO sitting there, quietly pondering. Okada was still scribbling notes.

Nakai walked up, knocking into Sakurai hard. “Sakamoto-san, I cannot begin to apologize for Sakurai-san’s rudeness today and...”

“I’m sorry, was that Kamenashi Kazuya?” Sakamoto asked. Definitely not the first question Nakamaru expected.

Sakurai looked up, confusion riddling his features. “I...well, I think so? My CGI guy just picked a player from the Giants that he liked for the model so it could be any...”

“He’s so versatile,” Sakamoto said. “Pitching, batting, he can do it all.”

“Thank you?” Sakurai answered hesitantly.

“Wait, wait, Sakamoto-san,” Taichi interrupted. “You aren’t seriously considering this...amateurish production?” Amateurish was the storyboards, and him and Junno reenacting a commercial. Sakurai’s pitch was professional and impressive. Nakamaru had never seen anything so exciting this early on in the planning stages.

“There’s a shark,” Sakamoto reminded them. “And while I have a crippling fear of them, I can’t think of a better way to appeal a fish-derived energy drink. And look! Kamenashi hit a home run because of my drink!”

Taichi continued, panicking as the mood in the room shifted from what he and Nakai had done to Sho’s offering. “But...but, you wanted to reach everyone with this commercial. I don’t see how some baseball player could...”

“Everybody loves baseball,” Sakamoto said. “And everyone respects sharks as the dangerous predators they are. If a shark chose this drink of all the others at the bottom of the ocean, then wouldn’t they make that same decision?”

“Are there a lot of drinks at the bottom of the ocean?” Okada asked.

“It’s settled!” Sakamoto said, getting up to vigorously shake Sho’s hand. “This is exactly what I was looking for. Suspense! Excitement! Kamenashi Kazuya drinking my F+ Energy Pow!”

It was probably as different from what he’d actually asked for as you could get, Nakamaru thought, but maybe Sakurai understood Sakamoto better than the man understood himself. No wonder Storm was winning so many accounts and awards in so short a time.

Nakai looked a bit shell-shocked himself, shaking Sakamoto’s hand next. “Of course, we’ll...we’ll do everything we can to see this make it to air. But as for the baseball player, it might be cheaper to get someone from another team...”

“Cost isn’t an issue,” Sakamoto said. “I want that wiry little firecracker smiling for the camera, smiling for Japan. I want everyone running to the convenience store and buying them all up. Thank you so much. You scared me with that first ad, what a joke that was, huh?”

“Uh...right,” Nakai said. “If you’ll let us escort you out, we’ll get started right away...”

Okada and Sakamoto were led out by Nakai and Taichi, and as soon as they were gone, Sakurai let out a whoop of joy. “I did it! I did it, I did it!”

Taguchi came running over to the laptop, shoving Nakamaru aside. “Let’s watch it again! The ball smashed through the Tokyo Dome!”

He stumbled back a little. “You...this was really good, Sho-kun, really...”

“Thanks,” Sakurai said, “but it was really my friend who made it real...”

“...but I think you might want to leave,” Nakamaru said. “The building. Like, right now, because I think Taichi and Nakai are going to murder you, and have me and Junno clean it up to look like a bizarre suicide.”

“Wait, what?” Sho asked. “I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have gone behind their backs, but you said yourself that they’re out of touch, and you saw how excited Sakamoto-san was...”

Nakamaru nodded. “It’s great, really. But just...I don’t know, watch your back.”

Sakurai gently eased Junno away from his laptop where he was watching the commercial CGI for about the fifth time already. “This is a professional agency. I think as long as the client’s happy, we can all pat ourselves on the back for a good pitch. I mean, they’re the ones who are going to take the credit, right?”

Nakamaru was still unsure. Nakai and Taichi (and most upper level advertising execs he’d met) tended to behave more like elementary school students than grown adults.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Junno said, patting Sho’s shoulder in encouragement. “He’s only a contracted worker for this project What’s the worst they could really do to him?”

\--

Nakamaru nearly dropped his cup of coffee when he was walking back to his cubicle that afternoon, hearing Sakurai’s horrified scream.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” he asked, hurrying over and seeing Junno’s face contort into a look of half-horror, half-amusement.

Sakurai turned his monitor to show Nakamaru that Nakai and Taichi’s counterattack had already started.

Nakamaru squinted at the blinking text of the email.

“LOVE CONQUERS SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY! MAN MATES WITH SHARK!!! ALL NEW EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE IN YOUR INBOX EVERY DAY!”

“What...the hell?” Nakamaru asked, and Sakurai couldn’t even speak.

Junno wrapped a comforting arm around Sho. “It’s just shark porn. Aww, Sho-kun, there, there.”

\--

And they were just getting started. Even though Nakai and Taichi stayed in their offices, most likely negotiating with Kamenashi’s agent to get him to endorse the product and appear in the commercial, Sho was definitely under attack for his betrayal.

Yamashita from IT had gone from incredibly amused to annoyed in his now daily attempts to block all the human/shark porn that was appearing in Sakurai’s Eastern Mountain inbox. And then there were the printed pictures - the obvious abuse of company resources.

On the second day, they’d somehow found a picture from Sho’s university yearbook, photocopying his head and lodging it between a shark’s jaws. The spurting blood had been scribbled with children’s markers. Nothing but pure class where Nakamaru’s bosses were concerned.

Then a shark was holding a gun in its fin somehow, complete with little “Pow! Pow!” captions in thinly-disguised Nakai handwriting as it shot the university photo full of holes.

And then there was a picture of a shark pooping on the same university picture of Sho. Taichi’s artistic talent was in a world all its own.

“They really have a thing for sharks,” Junno pointed out in a not at all helpful way.

Sho had kept each one of them. “Shouldn’t I tell Kimura-san? Or Higashiyama-san? This is bullying.”

“And risk having Nakai-san tell them that you’re a known pedophile? Or that you rape old ladies and steal their pensions? Because they will Photoshop a fake police report,” Nakamaru said.

Sho gulped. “They know Photoshop?”

“No,” Taguchi said. “But Nishikido in the art department’s got a mean streak.”

Sakurai stared at the shark defecating on his face one last time before shoving the stack of pictures into his recycle bin.

\--

Nakamaru and Junno were worried when they were called to a closed-door meeting in Nakai’s office the following week. Sakurai was nowhere to be seen.

“Before you ask, Sakurai-san’s not here today,” Taichi said, “there was a problem at his apartment building. A fire.”

“My god!” Junno cried. “You set his house on fire?!”

“No, idiot,” Nakai said. “There really was a fire in the building. Someone’s rice cooker exploded on another floor. I guess the sprinklers went off and ruined some stuff.”

“Besides, we don’t mess with fire anymore,” Taichi said calmly, sending a shiver down Nakamaru’s spine.

He cleared his throat. “So the meeting today?” he asked, trying not to imagine Nakai and Taichi going as far as attempted murder.

Nakai sighed. “As you may or may not know, Kamenashi Kazuya is high in demand. He’s actually on his way back to Japan after filming a commercial in Australia. Sakurai’s picking him up at Narita tomorrow afternoon and bringing him to the studio.”

Well, it was good to know that Nakai and Taichi weren’t altering the commercial. At least they seemed to know which way the wind was blowing as far as pleasing Sakamoto went.

Taguchi smiled. “Cool! Will we be able to get his autograph?”

“One better,” Taichi said, picking up a cardboard box from Nakai’s thinking couch and shoving it into Junno’s arms. “You’ll get to be up close and personal with him.”

Junno pulled a black ski mask out of the box. “What?”

Nakai grinned. “You’re kidnapping him.”

\--

“I don’t like this,” Junno was complaining, pulling the leather gloves on as Nakamaru signaled his lane change. His ancient, tiny Toyota sputtered its way down the highway.

“And you think I do?” he asked.

This was dangerous. Just so Sakurai would look like a fool, they were supposed to kidnap a famous baseball player? Nakamaru had grown fond of Sho since they’d been working together. He’d been nice, had asked for Nakamaru’s input on things, and had even remembered his name!

But it was either abduct Kamenashi and let Sho take the fall, or he and Taguchi would both lose their jobs. And that wasn’t the end of the blackmailing.Taichi had had Nishikido whip up a prototype marriage certificate and a creepy photo album full of kissy faces and rainbow-frosted wedding cake to prove that Nakamaru and Taguchi had run off to Tahiti and gotten married to celebrate their quote unquote “undying, beautiful homosexual life partnership.”

Not that Nakamaru thought there was anything wrong with being gay, but Nakai had at least 20 publishers on speed dial, and he really didn’t need a fake “marriage” announcement with Junno to appear in newspapers across the country. That would be hard to explain to his Grandma come Christmas.

“I’ve never committed a crime before,” Taguchi was whining. “I mean, okay, I’ve jaywalked. And this one time, I cut the tag off a mattress...”

“Taguchi...”

“I mean, it says you can cut it if you’re the owner, but I was sleeping at my aunt’s house and it was her mattress, so I tried to tape it back together because I was paranoid that she’d tell the police it was me...”

“TAGUCHI!” Nakamaru shouted, getting off the exit ramp for Narita. “Seriously! Shut your mouth! Can we focus on this so I don’t have to be fake married to you?”

Junno sulked, pulling at a string on the ski mask in his lap. “I’m not chloroforming Sho-kun. He’s our friend.”

“Well, how else do you plan to get Kamenashi away from him?”

“Can’t we just take them both? And let them off somewhere else? I don’t like this yakuza-looking warehouse idea.”

Nakamaru gritted his teeth. “You want to lose your job and let those manipulated photos of you licking my face get out there? Really? You’re that unconcerned about being taken seriously again...ever?”

Junno rolled his eyes. “Please, the Photoshopping on that one wasn’t that good. It doesn’t even look like my tongue.” He pulled down the sun visor, flipped open the little mirror, and opened his mouth. “Thee? Thith ith what mah tongue look lahke.”

He pushed the accelerator down, begging the Toyota to put in more effort than Taguchi was. They found Sho’s car in the visitor lot (Nakai and Taichi had provided photographs of the man’s car - Nakamaru didn’t want to know) and waited. He wasn’t fond of the chloroform thing either. Too many variables that could go wrong. So instead, he and Junno hid on the side of the car, waiting to pop out and scare them.

Taguchi was responsible for getting Kamenashi in the trunk. Sure, he was a baseball player and probably worked out and munched on steroids with his breakfast, but they had surprise on their side. Then Nakamaru just had to make sure that Sho didn’t call for help or something.

The minutes passed, and they waited. And waited. And waited some more. He pulled up his ski mask and glanced at his watch. “Flight should have landed an hour ago.”

“Well, he was coming back from Australia,” Junno reminded him, voice a little muffled by his mask. “Probably had to get his luggage and go through customs.”

“Hmmph.”

Some more time passed, and then they heard footsteps coming. He pulled his mask down and patted Junno’s arm, telling him to get up in five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two...

“Raaaaa!” he screamed, getting to his feet and pointing a water pistol at Sho. “This is a hold-up! Get in the...”

Sho cried out like a woman, dropping his “KAMENASHI KAZUYA-SAN” sign on the pavement and holding out his keys in front of him in his defense. Too bad there was no Kamenashi Kazuya-san with him.

Junno stood up and scratched his head. “Where’s Kame?”

Sho leaned against the car, hand shaking with the keys jingling. “...Taguchi?”

Nakamaru pulled up his own mask and sighed. “What gives? Where’s Kamenashi?”

Junno ripped off his mask and threw it down. “This was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

Well, Nakamaru would argue that the day Taguchi had tried to ferment his own alcohol in the employee lounge was considerably dumber, but now wasn’t really the best time to point that out.

“Why are you dressed like ninjas?” Sho asked, still hyperventilating slightly. “Kamenashi got in on an earlier flight and left in a limo.”

“A limo?” Junno moaned. “We did all this for nothing!”

Sho looked justifiably hurt. “What are you two doing here? What’s with the gun?”

“It’s just a water gun.” Nakamaru pointed it at Junno and squirted him in the face.

“Hey!” Junno exclaimed.

“We were supposed to kidnap Kamenashi and bring him to a warehouse, splash him with cold water and then convince him we were yakuza sent by Sakurai Sho to murder him,” Nakamaru said. It sounded even dumber now.

“We were going to let him go, though,” Junno said. “After telling him you banged his girlfriend. And probably his mom.”

Sho narrowed his eyes. “I thought you guys were my friends,” he said quietly, picking up his carefully-made sign from the ground.

“Nakai said we would lose our jobs if we didn’t,” Nakamaru explained. “And they were going to make it look like me and Junno were gay lovers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But really, if I was gay, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole, no offense.”

“None taken. Sho-kun, we’re sorry,” Junno said, bowing his head. “I didn’t want to, but I need this job. They let me wear jeans every day.”

Sho nodded wearily. “Fine, fine, I get it. But think about it - you were about to commit a serious crime. That’s more than bullying. That’s breaking the law. And you still want to work for people who threaten you like that?”

Nakamaru and Junno exchanged a look. Then glanced down at the ridiculous clothes they were wearing. Then looked at the nice guy in front of them who worked his ass off to please their client rather than win more awards to dust.

“When this job is over,” Sho continued, “Maybe you can come over to Storm. We’re still new, but we’re forward thinking. And I can guarantee that my boss won’t make you commit felonies. Jun can be grouchy, but he’s not insane.”

“Fair enough,” Nakamaru said, holding out his hand. “We’re sorry, really.”

“Truce?” Junno asked.

Sho nodded. “Truce.”

\--

When they got to the set for the CM the next day, everything was in an uproar. Sure, they’d been able to get Kamenashi and a green screen to stand in for the Tokyo Dome, but Sakamoto’s “unlimited” budget was more like a budget for a local cable channel’s commercial.

There would be no CGI shark whacking a bottle of F+ Energy Pow out of the CGI ocean. Instead, they’d managed to rent an animatronic shark and a tank on the cheap from a bankrupt movie studio. Even now, Sho had rolled up his pant legs and discarded his jacket, leaning over the side of the tank trying to figure out how the fake shark would be able to smack the bright pink bottle.

Nakamaru and Junno were responsible for “handling” the commercial’s star, who despite getting paid for his time, was being very disagreeable.

“That shark’s not going to splash me, is it?” Kamenashi was complaining. “Because I can’t get my hair wet. I don’t know where that water came from.”

“Um, well, the tank was filled with a hose,” Junno explained. “So I think they just got it from a truck or something? I mean, you’re not going to be anywhere near the shark so...”

“Well, I can’t get my hair wet,” Kamenashi reiterated.

“Yeah, we got that,” Nakamaru said, losing his patience. “Don’t worry, Kamenashi-san.” He didn’t see why it was so exciting to have the guy in the commercial. Kamenashi was banking ten million yen a year, and he still had a 5.49 ERA. He wasn’t THAT great.

Junno held up two bats. “So we just need you to swing these. Whichever one works for you.”

Kamenashi turned up his nose. “Where’d you get those, some local junior high school gym? I’m not using those.”

And that was when Nakai approached, all smiles. “Ah, Kamenashi-san, we’re ready to start whenever you are. Was there a problem here?”

“He hates the bats,” Nakamaru explained.

“I see,” Nakai said. “Well, we want our star to be happy, right?”

“I can’t get my hair wet. I have a commercial to film for hair gel this afternoon,” Kamenashi reminded Nakai.

“Of course. Taguchi, Namakaru. Go to the sports store, find Kamenashi-san a new bat.”

“What?” Junno exclaimed.

And then Taichi was right at Nakamaru’s elbow. Downright creepy. “What’s that, hmm, you’re leaving? Well, take Sakurai with you.”

“Why do we need three people to go buy a bat?” Nakamaru asked, getting fed up with everything. He didn’t know why he didn’t just quit and follow Sakurai to Storm Advertising then and there.

Kamenashi jotted down a list of “acceptable” bats, and Nakamaru was sure that they’d all be expensive. Of course, neither of his bosses offered any money or the corporate card, so it looked like he was going to have to foot the bill. Why couldn’t Mr. 5.49 ERA bring his own damn bat?

They went to fetch Sho from the tank and headed back to Nakamaru’s Toyota, hearing Kamenashi gripe about wanting a body double as they departed.

\--

“You just watch,” Nakamaru said as they were practically parked in traffic on the way back to the set. “They’ll have the whole commercial shoot done when we get back, and we’ll have to go return the stupid bat.”

Junno was in the back seat, bat laying across his lap. “Did you see the look on Taichi’s face? He was so happy to send Sho-kun with us.”

“Well, what are they going to do to me?” Sho wondered, frowning as he looked out the window. “Have Kamenashi practice hitting the home run by hitting me? The job’s almost over. I’ll be gone soon enough.”

“It’s suspicious though,” Junno mused. “They sure were happy to get us off set. They’re planning something.”

“Let’s just get back and worry then,” Nakamaru scolded. He had his resignation letter in his back pocket. All Taichi or Nakai had to do was get him to his breaking point. He was getting closer and closer every minute.

When they arrived, Kamenashi took the bat they offered him, complaining about the weight of it even though it had been on his stupid list. But he went ahead with the filming, and Nakamaru exhaled. All they had left to film was the shark bit, and Kamenashi would be long gone and shilling hair gel for some other commercial.

“Is the shark looking funny to you?” Sho asked, peering across the set to the tank. “It’s not moving.”

“Maybe it’s sleeping,” Junno said.

“It’s a robot,” Nakamaru reminded him.

Junno scowled. “Maybe it’s in robot sleep then.” He headed over to the tank. “I’ll go fix it.”

Nakai and Taichi came hurrying over. “Taguchi, wait. Let Sakurai do it...he’s the shark idea man,” Nakai cried.

“Nah, I got it,” Junno said, climbing up the ladder to the tank.

“Taguchi, get down!” Taichi shouted.

“Hey! You know, I’m not an idiot. I can do stuff if you just give me a chance!” Junno complained, and that was when Nakamaru realized that there really was something wrong.

“Taguchi! Stop!” Nakamaru cried, and Sho took off running.

Junno turned and looked at the tank and there was a sudden splash. The animatronic shark went nuts, mouth opening and closing with a metallic crunching sound. Taguchi lost his balance on the ladder and went tumbling into the tank.

“Oh shit, this isn’t good,” Nakai said plainly, and Nakamaru went chasing after Sho.

“Well, this was your idea,” Taichi retorted.

Junno’s head bobbed out of the water. “Heeeeeelp! It’s got my...leg...or somethi-” and then he was back under, in the clutches of the animatronic shark. The tank was see-through, and Nakamaru could see the shark was swimming in a frenzied circle, pulling Junno along under the water and knocking his head against the side of the tank. Ouch.

There was another splash, and Sakurai was in the water. “It’s cold!” he cried. “Taguchi, hold on!”

All the staff watched, stunned by the killer animatronic shark, so it was just Junno being dragged, Sho flailing in the water trying to kick at it, and Nakamaru shouting what he hoped were helpful commands from outside the pool. “Taguchi, play dead!”

“That’s for bears!” Sakurai cried, waving his hands frantically, splashing water everywhere.

“What the hell did you do to it?!” Nakamaru cried, demanding answers from his boss.

“It had a motion sensor kill setting,” Nakai explained as though it was obvious. “It was just a prank.”

“Kill setting?!” Junno screamed before getting pulled under again.

Kamenashi walked up, seemingly unconcerned about someone getting drowned in front of him. He handed Nakamaru the bat. “Here, maybe this will help. The bat ruins my swing anyhow.”

He gave Kamenashi a glare before hefting the very expensive, brand new bat and climbing the ladder to the tank. He could see the shark still ramming Junno against the wall, and Sho splashing in a completely useless way. He held the bat up. “Oi, Taguchi! Uh, try and get it over here!”

“It’s killing me!” Junno gurgled.

“Well, have him kill you over here! I’m not getting in the water!” he complained.

Sho splashed his way over to Nakamaru, trying to draw the shark over and only succeeded in soaking Nakamaru to the bone. He spat water out of his mouth and waited for his chance. Finally, Junno came flying over and Nakamaru swung.

There was a mini explosion of sparks and a girly Sho scream and Kamenashi complaining about his hair getting wet and Nakai and Taichi looking on in solemn contemplation. The animatronic shark had gone to animatronic animal heaven.

The resignation letter fluttered out of Nakamaru’s pocket, landing in a puddle of water at the base of the tank. Taichi picked it up, but all the ink had smeared. Sho helped Junno to the ladder, and they surveyed the scene.

“Well,” Nakai said. “I think that’s a wrap for today.”

\--

He and Sho gathered around Junno’s computer a week later, watching the news broadcast.

The reporter was nearly crying. “An awful tragedy here in Okinawa as eight year old Hatonaka Seiji was killed in a shark attack. All the beaches around Naha have been closed for further investigation, but a town is in tears tonight. Hatonaka was swimming on a beach with friends, though no lifeguard was present and...”

Junno closed out the video window just in time for Nakai and Taichi to approach, all smiles. “Sure is a tragedy about little Seiji-kun,” Nakai said, faker than a boy band singing on Music Station.

“Of course, our prayers go out to his family,” Taichi remarked.

Nakai patted Junno on the shoulder. “We just got back from a meeting with Sakamoto-san and Higashiyama-san, and sadly, in light of the tragedy...”

“You’re pulling the commercial,” Sakurai said glumly.

“Tough break, tough break,” Taichi said. “But we do need something to go on air during the Monday night drama block tonight. I know it’s short notice but...”

An hour later, the three of them were sitting around a dining table, and the old man beard and old man bald cap were itching him like crazy. Sho, already in his suit at the office that morning, was the perfect find to play the father while Junno looked almost too perfect in a dress, wig, and pearls. They’d pulled a kid off the street to play the child, who was digging his nose beside Sho.

Taichi gave them a thumbs up. “Go for it, Grandpa!” he said as the cameras got rolling.

Nakamaru hoped the microphone didn’t pick up his sigh of disappointment. He got to his feet and flexed his arm, feeling the old man mustache start to fall off his upper lip.

“Energy Pow has all the ingredients I need to feel young again.”

\--

From: Higashiyama Noriyuki (higashiyama-n@easternmountain.co.jp)  
To: Kokubun Taichi (kokubun-t@easternmountain.co.jp); Nakai Masahiro (nakai-m@easternmountain.co.jp  
Subject: No Subject

See me immediately.

-H

Higashiyama Noriyuki, CEO  
Eastern Mountain Advertising Services  
Creativity. Integrity. Dedication. Results.

\--

Nakamaru liked the chair. And the desk. And the fact that he had four walls. And a door. And a view of the Tokyo smog.

Junno was relaxing on the thinking couch while Sho sat in the chair in front of Nakamaru’s desk busily taking notes. The merger with Storm Advertising had been a complete success, and the three co-leads on the Hitachi account were a well-oiled machine. Advertising for electronics again made it worth coming to work.

Of course, Nakamaru hadn’t been the least bit sad to see Taichi and Nakai leave the company.

He would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall in the meeting they had with Higashiyama. About the four bottles of Happy House F+ Energy Pow that had been sold in total. About the shark porn. About the attempted kidnapping of a Japanese sports superstar. And of course, about the animatronic shark’s near-murder of an Eastern Mountain employee.

The two had amicably parted ways with the company to avoid being reported to the cops. Things were going pretty damn good.

Junno perked up from the thinking couch. “I’ve got it!”

Nakamaru and Sho exchanged a look. “Alright, Taguchi. What is it?” Nakamaru asked.

“The new Hitachi bread maker - rising to the occasion!”

He and Sho smiled. And then Junno smiled.

And then Nakamaru shook his head. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

Advertising. It really was the best job in the world.


End file.
